Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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