My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
