no, he came in my armpit
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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