Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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