just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
