Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
