none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
