i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
