I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
