Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is classic penis vs brain.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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