4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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