The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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