Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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