I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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