new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
