I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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