Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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