Well douche your snatch and let's go!
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
