Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
