I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
