Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
