he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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