I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
