Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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