Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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