I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
