News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
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