Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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