i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
