He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
