Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
