I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
