Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
