The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
