WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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