my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
