Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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