I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
