Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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