i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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