I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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