Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
