i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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