i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
