I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
