My friends, they love my intelligence
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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