Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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