I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
