True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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