Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
